i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
