I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
