Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I can text with my tongue
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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