I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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