Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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