he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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