sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
