I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
