I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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