I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
