Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
