Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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