Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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