someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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