I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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