and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
