Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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