The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
