Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
