i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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