You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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