we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
