Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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