we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
