that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
