Moan for me like Helen Keller
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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