Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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