wakey wakey hands off snakey
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
