I cannot find my penis.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
