I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Found the puke drawer
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
