My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
