He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Welp...herpes.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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