Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
