last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
