I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
