I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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