Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
