So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You have to summon your inner elephant
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
