Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
