His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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