I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
