Betty ford says i'm here all night
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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