he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
