Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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