so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
