Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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