And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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