I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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