It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Verdict: uncircumcised.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
