I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i think i have two assholes
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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