matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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