He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
