Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
