I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you win again, gameday.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
