chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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