I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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