I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
