i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
