Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
