Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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