I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
